365 days and still counting

Waoh!
It's one whole year today.
Omo I must to pop champagne.
I can't believe I did.
I have been celibate for 365 days and still counting.
The longest i ever got was 180days.
I must to kill chicken.
It seriously has not been easy.

I guess i was able to pull it off since,
I was no lover of sex in the first instance.
To achieve this i had to stay off any form of
intimate relationship with any guy.
I even i had to cut visit with male friends,
who i know have more than the ordinary boy-girl feelings

Do I miss sex?
No
There are those days when I long for the kiss or
just some form of caress from a guy...
There are days the temptation was so great,
especially if its a guy I really like.
I would just kiss sha
and it usually took the whole forces in heaven and earth to break free
but thats just it.
I guess i totally turned off my ignition key

I know it's only a matter of days,
I guess then I would have a reason to enjoy it
and want it with the person who I have it with.
till then, i keep my fingers crossed

Gengen

No be small thing oh,
Was persuading my mum to sign some stuff for me,
when we heard the noise.
E fi mi sile (leave me alone)
Mo ma gun pa ni eni (I will stab today)
The fight is between in-laws
One is the wife's brother and
the other is the husband's brother,
The couples are not around,
so the neighbours were there to save the day.
if not, these two idiots would be dead by now.
One is a butcher and the other a carpenter,
so both brought out their work instrument to fight.
After much struggle, the fight was finally stopped.
when asked the reason for the fight,
the carpenter was mumbling,
after some minutes, the butcher broke the ice.
He accused the carpenter of playing with his thing at night.
According to him, the carpenter sneaks up to his room at night
while he is asleep, brings out his thing and start touching it.
abomination, this is washing their dirty linen in public.
This is getting to much for the guy to handle,
so he decided to fight when his elder one refused to act on it.
The carpenter is over 30 and still not married,
we hardly see any girl with him, so it is not difficult to believe.
No one could made any comment,
As where do you start from.
Do we blame and condemn the carpenter, or
the butcher who decided to take the law into his hands.
This is a family issue and
just had to beg the butcher to take things easy and talk to his brother.

8765 days AGO

Yesterday for my birthday,
8764 days ago, i was expelled from my mothers womb.
My preganancy had been a controversial as
my birth father refused to accept resonsibility of me.
He was not denying the fact that i was his,
he just did not not need or want me in his life.
His wife was also pregnant at that time.
That is gist for another day.
I am just happy to be a year older.
With the best message from my bank,
prayers from my besto,
and messages from the least expected,
my day couldn't have been more wonderful.
I spent the day at home with my family,
doing nothing, just savouring the fact that am now 24.
I just thank Almighty God for making come this far,
and not ever disappointing.
For making a head and one who is looked up to and
vice versa.
I look forward to having a wonderful year and
achieving alot even beyond expectations.
So help me God.

FORGIVE ME; MOTHER HEN

Mother Hen abeg, forgive me,
I am seriously begging.
For I have snuffed life out one of your chicks.
Forgive mother hen,
for I deprived you of one of your joys
eventhough, she would end up in the pot of soup one day
This I did, unintentionally, absent-mindedly and accidentally.
I did not even know that I stepped on her,
not until i heard the cry........................................
Abeg, make una help me beg am.
because she appears in my dream.
I have not had a nice sleep since that day.
I am seriously sad because it felt
like I had cut shourt the life of an human being.
Abeg one again forgive,
so that I can return to my sleep
and may her soul rest in perfect peace

DISCONNECTED

The past few weeks I have been feeling disconnected
from everything especially religion and I wonder why?
I find myself asking rhetoric questions.
I just do not feel any form of connection with God anymore
when praying; prayer has become a routine for me.
There is no anxiety or excitement.
I don’t usually feel that aura, his presence like I should.
I feel like or rather I know that am not reaching out to
God like am supposed to.
There are days when I don't even feel like praying
and this is an essential part of Islam.
I don’t think I really know him enough to
truly and whole-heartedly worship him.
Maybe this is the reason for the lack of connection I feel.
I really did not have a strong background in religion
Never really went to Arabic school and my family members
are not particularly, the religious type.
I would call them Chrislams and am one of the few devotional
Muslims in the family, the only female one.
I’m not the conventional Muslim or the expected type.
Asides from observing the daily compulsory prayers
and fasting in the month of Ramadan, I do nothing else.
The only congregational prayer I attend is the Ju’mat service.
You would not find me at an asalatu, event though
I was the pioneer in my family.
I just do not feel I place in such gatherings.
They have become more of an association than religious gatherings.
Words cannot express how I really feel
I basically feel like I have lost my bearings
I just hope ALLAH does not give up on me,
because right now I feel lost and I hope to find him
Soon.......................................................................

...AND THE FIRE BURNS OUT

I sometimes see my self as a wierd person,
Because there are just some actions of mine which
I find questionable.
This actions of mine is making me
wonder if I would ever get married.

The longest relationship, and that is if I can call it that,
I ever had is for about 6 months.
I sometimes wonder if any one is going to ever love me
or if I am actually capable of ever loving any one.
Even my friends have given up on me.
The point is, the passion or infatuation I
feel for these guys burns out quickly.
All of a sudden, I feel nothing.
The feelings just vanish and I feel empty
The whole kissing, cuddling and callings soon tire me,
most especially the sex.
I have not meet that guy who would make want to have sex,
They are just all about having sex anyways,
never making you want it.
I guess that is the missing link.......................

I have been sex and boyfriend free for 9 months now.
I don't miss either, but I miss the kisses and cuddlings.
Serious relationships are just not my thing,
the moment the guy starts getting to close
and asking questions, i tune him out.
Maybe because I have always been used to doing
thing my own way, I always find it difficult taking
commands or opinions from people before getting them done,
not even from my mother.
That idea of two become one does not really work for me.
The environment I grew up is not helping matters also,
I grew up with my mum doing all those things, parents do, for me,
receiving no support from my father or her husband.
Also my aunties live like that.
So I grew up with this view of a woman taking care of herself and family.
I don't think I have ever envision my self as a married woman,
not to talk of imagining what my wedding day would be like.

I always seen my self as a single mother like mum,
Get pregnant for some guy I fancy, since I just my not love him
And save myself the head aches of marriage, that how mother go through.
Some say its bad of me to think that way, but
I think that is the best I can ever get.

I don't see myself getting married, because it is expected of me.
I want to do it because it is what I want to do and
not vice versa.
May be some day the fire wil not burn out
and I woud be able to love and get married
only time will tell.......................................................................

NEVER FRIENDS

My relationships with the male gender over the years
has brought me to the conclusion that a guy and a girl
Are never friends.
I’m just this kind of person who rolls more with
the guys as am not a girly girl.
I know I have gotten into trouble with some of the guys
I havw called friends.
Having narrowly escaped a near-rape from a guy whom I looked
up to, besides he and his brother were friends to my then boyfriend.
This brought me to that stark reality of the girl and guy relationship.
His excuse was that my then boyfriend and I did not act like couples.
ask me which one be him own?
And I was some rude chick, who had to be punished.
found out that a guy is only friends with a girl when:
She is his serious girl’s friend, or his guy’s serious chick.
Even that does not stop him from trying his luck.
Asides a girl's brother, there are 3 kinds of male-female retionship in her life

1) The true friend who has got her back and wants nothing
from her but her friendship. He is usually considered gay.

2) The guy who settles for friendship after chasing her and
when realises there is nothing coming out of his troubles,
begins to see her as a sister.

3)This guy is hiding under the friendship umbrella.
He wants her so badly and is just waiting for the right moment and
the moment she does the mistake of hanging out at his place
would have her lips for dinner.

I have a couple of the third guy in my life right now

I have been trying to avoid most of my male friends for some time now,
because I know they want more than the friendship I crave for in mind.
They are not contented with the no feeling, only platonic relationship
They are interested in getting a shot, so lately I have not been returning calls,
SMS and mails.

One of my male friends called some days back
“Kikky, na wa oh, so you can not even flash or send a message,
you have completely forgotten me”
I am tired of excuses of no money to buy credit,
not that they believe me anyways.
Some have even told me point blank that they would not call me again,
if I do not call them back.
I got this particular one who is totally pissed with me.
But I figured what’s the point in calling back
when I am not ready to give them they want.
And they are not ready to be just friends.
They would rather have nothing to do with you at all,
than be just friends.
It’s a tough call but we have got to lose some to win some.
I have always found it difficult making this choice,
because there are some really great guys out there.
But I guess as my friend says, the guy is a dick and the girl a pussy,
Nothing else is expected of them.