...AND THE FIRE BURNS OUT

I sometimes see my self as a wierd person,
Because there are just some actions of mine which
I find questionable.
This actions of mine is making me
wonder if I would ever get married.

The longest relationship, and that is if I can call it that,
I ever had is for about 6 months.
I sometimes wonder if any one is going to ever love me
or if I am actually capable of ever loving any one.
Even my friends have given up on me.
The point is, the passion or infatuation I
feel for these guys burns out quickly.
All of a sudden, I feel nothing.
The feelings just vanish and I feel empty
The whole kissing, cuddling and callings soon tire me,
most especially the sex.
I have not meet that guy who would make want to have sex,
They are just all about having sex anyways,
never making you want it.
I guess that is the missing link.......................

I have been sex and boyfriend free for 9 months now.
I don't miss either, but I miss the kisses and cuddlings.
Serious relationships are just not my thing,
the moment the guy starts getting to close
and asking questions, i tune him out.
Maybe because I have always been used to doing
thing my own way, I always find it difficult taking
commands or opinions from people before getting them done,
not even from my mother.
That idea of two become one does not really work for me.
The environment I grew up is not helping matters also,
I grew up with my mum doing all those things, parents do, for me,
receiving no support from my father or her husband.
Also my aunties live like that.
So I grew up with this view of a woman taking care of herself and family.
I don't think I have ever envision my self as a married woman,
not to talk of imagining what my wedding day would be like.

I always seen my self as a single mother like mum,
Get pregnant for some guy I fancy, since I just my not love him
And save myself the head aches of marriage, that how mother go through.
Some say its bad of me to think that way, but
I think that is the best I can ever get.

I don't see myself getting married, because it is expected of me.
I want to do it because it is what I want to do and
not vice versa.
May be some day the fire wil not burn out
and I woud be able to love and get married
only time will tell.......................................................................

NEVER FRIENDS

My relationships with the male gender over the years
has brought me to the conclusion that a guy and a girl
Are never friends.
I’m just this kind of person who rolls more with
the guys as am not a girly girl.
I know I have gotten into trouble with some of the guys
I havw called friends.
Having narrowly escaped a near-rape from a guy whom I looked
up to, besides he and his brother were friends to my then boyfriend.
This brought me to that stark reality of the girl and guy relationship.
His excuse was that my then boyfriend and I did not act like couples.
ask me which one be him own?
And I was some rude chick, who had to be punished.
found out that a guy is only friends with a girl when:
She is his serious girl’s friend, or his guy’s serious chick.
Even that does not stop him from trying his luck.
Asides a girl's brother, there are 3 kinds of male-female retionship in her life

1) The true friend who has got her back and wants nothing
from her but her friendship. He is usually considered gay.

2) The guy who settles for friendship after chasing her and
when realises there is nothing coming out of his troubles,
begins to see her as a sister.

3)This guy is hiding under the friendship umbrella.
He wants her so badly and is just waiting for the right moment and
the moment she does the mistake of hanging out at his place
would have her lips for dinner.

I have a couple of the third guy in my life right now

I have been trying to avoid most of my male friends for some time now,
because I know they want more than the friendship I crave for in mind.
They are not contented with the no feeling, only platonic relationship
They are interested in getting a shot, so lately I have not been returning calls,
SMS and mails.

One of my male friends called some days back
“Kikky, na wa oh, so you can not even flash or send a message,
you have completely forgotten me”
I am tired of excuses of no money to buy credit,
not that they believe me anyways.
Some have even told me point blank that they would not call me again,
if I do not call them back.
I got this particular one who is totally pissed with me.
But I figured what’s the point in calling back
when I am not ready to give them they want.
And they are not ready to be just friends.
They would rather have nothing to do with you at all,
than be just friends.
It’s a tough call but we have got to lose some to win some.
I have always found it difficult making this choice,
because there are some really great guys out there.
But I guess as my friend says, the guy is a dick and the girl a pussy,
Nothing else is expected of them.

A BOTCHED JOB

I have always felt like a botched job.
God was in such a hurry to have me created,
that He bungled me all up.
God in his hurry did me badly.
Physically, I'm not badly looking,
At least He did not patch me on that:
so don't think am complaining about that.
It's just that, those things you which makes
one whole and fulfilled are missing in my life.
I’m a child of passion and not love.
I was an unplanned and unwanted fruit of passion,
I guess that accounts for my
inability to love.
God just wanted me to be.
There are days when I wished,
He had given my mother the strength
to get rid of me back then.
And there are those days when I
am really grateful she gave me life.
She gave me hope,
It is because of this hope,
that I have the courage to embark on the journey.
As a kid, I had this believe that God hated me,
because I could not understand why,
family members showed me so much hate.
Like it was my fault that my parents
were so careless, not to have taken precautions.
I come a family, where we find it difficult,
to hide our emotions, we just say it out loud.
Happiness is the one thing, God has denied me.
It is the reason why I have embarked on this journey.
HAPPINESS is the home I seek.
The journey has been a long and tedious one.
Every day, I crave for this happiness and
know that someday, I will get it.
It has eluded me for so long,
when the time is right, It will be mine.
It just that the pains and agonis that goes with searching
for it is killing.

JUST DUMB

I can't help but wonder why

Some guys are just plain dump,
Some just call unneccessay attention to themselves.
They just want to be noticed by girl,
and they just expect the girl to be bothered about them.
I just don't know what this guy was thinking or imaging,
I had gone to purchase credit for my phone at a store close to my house
I did not even seem to notice him,
When he just opened his lousy mouth
"Would you not say hello"
Like I knew him from Adam.
And when I replied, "Why should I"
He just kept mumbling some jargons.
If he was interested, why did he
not just say hello.
Not that he stood the chance.
But one does not shut open one mouth
and say the next dumb thing that come to the tongue.
I am not dissing the guys,
but i think that there are some really dumb one,
God made the mistake of creating.

Lost Innocence

Freedom at last.
I have always waited for this day.
The desire, so strong I could not wait to burst out of the self.
I wanted but the self didn't.
Today I would say, tomorrow she would say;
Many tomorrows passed.
She had a lot of doubts, fears;
I had a lot of hope and aspirations.
Tommorow finally came today.
She has lost her innocence, while I gained my freedom
She gave me a voice, thanks to her reading
blogs of exschoolnerd, mymother's child, Doja and many others.
Without them, she would never
She has given me an opportunity to voice her fears, anger,
joys, pains and sufferings;
which she would never and is afraid to share.
Now I officially welcome my self to the boggers community.
I hope to have a wonderful time.
And I welcome you all to my
LONG JOURNEY HOME.