Monday, December 28, 2009
I have always had Kelly Clarkson’s “Already Gone” on my system a while back and I just loved the music but I never took the time to listen to the lines of the song. I was in love with her voice and I just knew it was a break up song.
Last night I particularly listened to it and I realized I was already gone.
I was already gone from my relationship to boo
I had already let go go of the realtionship without realizing it
I have made the decision to leave my boo.
We were never meant to be, we were always meant to say good bye and I am deciding to make the decision.
We are physically and emotionally compatible
Spiritually we are totally incompatible.
Love could not keep this our love alive
I fell in love; yes I fell in love with the wrong person.
The first time I feel love, I fall in love with the wrong person.
The last four months of my life have been the best in years.
I found the man of my dreams and it so happens he is wrong for me.
He is there for me; he gave me joy and peace of mind.
He was one who overlooks my exuberance and I sure do have many.
Talking to him gives me so much inexperienced joy.
He is all I have ever wanted in a man.
I am stuck and can’t move on.
I realized I can never change my religion, its who I am, my religion is my identity.
I love being a muslim, I believe in the tenets of the religion
Our relationship would then be a sham, if I stopped being who I am simply because I want to keep a relationship and get married.
I have never been one to choose man over my God.
I have lost myself in the world and I am trying to find myself and I cannot be selfish to have him hanging there.
To move on, I have to let go of him.
I have always wanted a man who I can connect with spiritually, who I can worship my God with. A man who would lead me and embark on my spiritual journey with me.
He is just not that man
He says we would work but we just would remain stuck and it might be too late to recover from whatever pain we would cause each other in the end.
I am sad doing this, because I am letting go of one of the best things in my life.
But I believe we shall find joy at the end of tunnel.
The road will surely lead to happiness for both of us.
Compliments of the season to you all and Happy New Year in Advance, even if I enter mine single with a broken heart.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Help me thank God for not allowing me to enter one chance oh!
This is not the literal, entering bus and being duped and all.
Let me explain!!!
I have got this policy of never going back to boyfriend, after break up and this is my saving grace.
Three months ago, I met him and He was begging me to come back to him, telling me how much he loves me and that this is for real and he would like to make me his wife.
My little sister was there and the big mouth did not waste time in telling mu mum when we got home.
I had told him, point blank then, that I had no more feelings for him and that nothing can make me come back to him.
We are friends and my mother knew him.
He used to come around to my house and would stay for hours.
My mother was even rooting for him.
So you can imagine my mother's reaction when my sister told her, about his proposal and my refusal.
The thought of considering him,never crossed my mind,
as I had the feeling that he want true and I would infact be settling.
I have not heard from him in a while and have never bothered to check his profile on facebook.
I ran into him on monday, I had actually got to their house
Normally when I vist, we usually enter the house, but this day he offered me a seat outside. I did not pay particular attention, as there was no light and I was not ready for seating down in some heat.
I did not notice his finger, until he told me that he was now married.
I mean he was 3weeks married.
Didn't you see my profile on facebook, he said. Like I have the time to start checking everyone's profile.
They had been going out for 8years.
Meaning, even when we were together, he was with her.
Even, when he was asking me to come back to him, She was in his life.
He even has the effrontery to tell me that, at least he asked me.
See me see maga.
All these time, I have spent with him, I never knew she existed, even after we broke up and became friends.
Dudes can be something else.
Am thanking God, for not letting me make the greatest mistake of my life.
I never slept with him, I was still a virgin, when I was him and
He just never felt like one I should give it to.
All we ever did was the kiss and smooch.
I am so grateful, it never went beyond that and
Particularly grateful, I did not give him a second chance.
That would have been worse!!!
Monday, October 5, 2009
I realized one thing,
I have refused to acknowledge all these years.
You are not my friend.
You are just a girl who existed in my life
for the past 14 years.
Yes, you have never been a friend to me.
I have been the friend,
You have only been there for what I had to offer.
How I was wrong about you,
Even when everyone could see what you were doing,
Even though a part of me knew
I choose to believe you were a friend.
I have been the one hanging on
to this friendship, like my life depended on it.
Last time I checked,
friendship is a two way thing.
I was always there to help,
and you were always having one or another,
I never for a day complained.
Countless things I have done,
But I am never one to broadcast what I do to help anyone.
So because, you seem to be a little bit better off
You are feeling on top of the world
and better than every one else.
I am not a yes person,
as you have always known.
So you cannot do things to me
and expect me to keep quiet about it.
Seeing and talking to you made me realize.
I have also stop been a friend to you.
I felt like I was talking to a complete stranger.
The friendship of 14years has come to an end,
without me even realizing it until today.
Today, as i said good bye,
I knew it is forever.
I am not jealous of your little accomplishment,
Infact i am happy for you,
I wish you the very best in life.
Even though you cease to be my friend,
I wish you the very best.
You cease to be a part of my future
because you are not my friend.
Never was, never will.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Had to go take a break from blogsville
Not that I really intended to
Internet connection was limited but am back fully.
The last ten days of the fast was hectic for me.
Work was crazy, was actually out of the office for the whole week
This Ramadan was just not it for me at all
Finally moved out of my aunts house.
The whole issue got out of hand.
From my cousins having inferiority complex,
saying that me am feeling like mama worker.
To my aunt and her husband raising some hell.
Back in my mothers house for now.
Although it's stressful and money consuming,
love waking up in my bed,
Having my privacy back and
feeling the love of my family.
I am grateful that my mother is a Landlord too in Lagos,
If not, all these shit from my aunt would have been painful.
I could not believe the words that were coming out of the woman's mouth
Her husband was practically telling me he had the intention
of throwing me out of his house,
Like am homeless and would have no where to go to.
Anyways all that is in the past now.
Looking forward to a whole phase of my life,
With Love and a move in my professional life.
I know things will be great
Friday, September 11, 2009
I have been reluctant to give you all.
You told you love,
all I could say was thank you.
You want to know why I can not love you.
Why i can not fall madly in love with you, like you?
I can love you'
I can be madly and senselessly in love with,
More than you are or can ever express.
That which we are refusing to acknowledge as an issue,
might one day, turn us apart.
You say there is nothing to worry about,
You are not bother about it.
I so want to love you,
I want to express how i feel,
because with you, i come alive.
With you, I can be fulfilled.
The only reason,
The cause of my reluctance,
is our religious difference.
I don't one day want to wake to you tell me I have to change my religion.
I love been a Muslim, and not thinking of leaving it any time soon.
Even though, I think i am in love with you.
This might forever be an issue in our lives
Friday, August 28, 2009
- If by having erotic feeling and thought of my boo, I have broken my fast. By the way I now a boo, gist of him later...............
- If I truly like my boo or if it's societal pressure thats getting to me. I like him but not entirely ready for this whole lovey dovey thing.
- How do I explain to my nine year old sister, that the two breast do not start growing at the same time.
- I will ever make heaven, as i am even struggling to fast this period and this is really bad.
- Why some people are just plain stupid and will never mind their own business.
- Why some people always feel the need to comment on facebook, even when they just are totally off point or utterly fool of themselves
Thursday, August 13, 2009
But I decided to take a deep breath!!!
This whole deep breath thing helps some times but it is pretty frustrating.
When you want to let it out the way you feel but you just have to watch your words to avoid saying those things which can never be taken back.
My aunts house is becoming more and more unbearable.
I almost slapped my cousin last light.
That one has started growing sharp mouth.
Imagine, there is a 7years gap between me and that stupid thing oh!
My sister is one 1year older than her oh!
Its not her fault,
It is me who left my comfy home to come and squat in their house.
She has become excessively rude to every one.
She just like her elder ones feels free to talk anyone anyone.
I woke up this money to a dead phone and missing money from my wallet.
In that house we are not up to ten oh!
I usually wake up at the sound of my alarm at four.
I woke for six which is two hours behind and I was wondering what was wrong
only to realize that my alarm at not gone off all.
I was pretty much late to work.
Hopefully my boss was not around.
In this days of recession, someone is now stealing the little I have.
Imagine the frustration of waking up and having part of your money gone.
The person even pitied me and took half of the money.
The annoying part is they would all deny ever taking it.
No one ever admit to doing anything.
Except caught in the act.
I am thinking of moving out.
Moving back to my house is suicide missions as my house is far to town.
Moving t a friends, that one might even be worse.
With time I shall make a decision.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The worst part is that it is coming from the last person on earth
I ever thought would discuss with me.
My mother has done her best to stay off of it or not directly discussing it.
I am sensing some sort of conspiracy between those people;am sure my mum pushed it to him and the man too opened that his mouth and was asking.There are other unresolved issues, he should be discussing, but he would rather talk about this one,
Now I understand how Tigeress felt when she wrote her post And I Cried on the Train
He guy has refused to talk to me, like I really want to talk to him self!!!
The man was asking what my next plan was and me thinking the guy wanted to know how serious-minded I was, was reeling that, I intend getting a better job and go for my masters next-year oh. He was now telling me that, I should be thinking of masters in my husby's house or when engaged. Abeg what century does that man belong to; which kind of suggestion is that.
He goes on to say that now that I have a job, I should bring a man home and they would know that this is the one I want to marry.
Na so e easy!
He then tells me that his daughter who is almost 30 has never brought home a man, which one is my own with that one.
Is that why he want to marry me off. He wants to do Baba Iyawo.
Like he would even get that position self.
He even gave specifications:
I must marry a Muslim, like I intend to bring home a Hindustan home.
I do not necessarily have to like him at first, we can get to know each other, it is the guys character that matters.
I told him, that I don't have any one I am dating right now and the man says I must find one oh!
I don't know if i am supposed to carry ready for marriage on my head.
My aunt is even the worst, that particularly accused me off going out with a distant cousins half brother, telling me she heard and all.
I no blame that one, she has been trying to marry off her 28 year old daughter for some time now.
My mother is also now hostile on the issue, telling me all my friends are getting married and am doing jangan.I am happy for all my friends but for one thing I do not envy them at all.
The woman is even down with me bringing home a man from any religion, so far he is not a traditionalist.
I don't know what is wrong with this old folks,
They just do not understand that we have our life planned and
I particularly refuse to be forced into marrying anytime soon.
I shall marry at my own time and to man who I shall not be afraid to lose my self to.
Friday, July 31, 2009
To see the sky
To see the sun and moon
And the tiny stars in the black of a man's
Sometimes in the morning
I'll look across myself
See hills and valleys forming
Think of rivers underground.
I am blooming
Inside I am dry
If only I could understand
The reason for my crying
If only I could stop this fear
Of dreaming that I'm dying.
culled from The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer.
Currently reading the book and loving it, she is a mirror to my inner self
Monday, July 27, 2009
Spent the weekend attending parties, Omo no be small thing oh.
I have been told to make my weekend fun, parties, particularly weddings was top of the list.
So I decided to attend this one, the bride is some chick I met a while ago. We were not friends per se, but one of my friends is close to her and he said we should go.
The exchange of vow was in a garden over looking the sea.
No church, every thing took place in the garden.
The atmosphere was sooooooooo lovely.
I think am sooooooo gunning for a garden wedding.
The Husby is one omo jaiye-jaiye;
It was written all his face, I need no sooth-Sayer to tell me that.
Confirmation was later given by those who knew him.
The Bride had this I could have done better look on her face...
She was all smile during the ceremony...But on a closer look, she looked sad. So unhappy, Like this is the only opportunity I had to tie the knot and become a Mrs.
The couple were still at the reception way after most guest had gone...
No be Couple dey first leave venue,
They had this I am dreading the night together.
maybe the effect of having lived together for more almost or is it more than 2 years
But I hear say the chick no gree do anything with the guy
I no just understand for the couple...
Husby was busy carrying drinks for his friends,
wify siddon with dey look with forced smile on her face.
I just hope the wedding last, because, for what ever reason, they just did not act like people who were really that in to each other anymore.
Maybe am just imagining things, but I always know that I am Happy and I really want this look
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
It has been a bunch of waves for me
I have searched high and low and found nothing,
Tried all I can and end up loosing,
Been everything ......and still be nothing,
It took me a long while to get out of the murky hole of nothingness
But one day i finally find that one thing, I have searched for,
I finally found gold at the end of the cloud
and the silver lining at the bottom of the mine field
and I had my EUREKA moment.
It was definitely worth it the wait.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Okay the wind of change is blowing real fast and
I guess have been caught on awared.
Saw Soldiers on the Marina end of the Eko brigde this morning and
I got to me that this whole Militant issue is getting serious more and more.
I do not even read the papers which lies around in my office any more
not to talk of watching TV.
Abeg, make them no carry their war reach lagos oh!
Now to my gist.
My mum is back in town and am so happy
I have had to compulsorily move over to my aunts since I started this job of mine.
Okay, my mum does not the job and most of all she does not like the fact that I have to move.
The thing is living with my aunt come attached with a lot of shit.
I mean a lot of shit!!!!
You can be accused of anything,
I mean anything; those cousins of mine sure can lie.
Except caught in the act, they would never say the truth.
I really respect them on that one.
Even give them award self.
My aunt has always been the comfortable one,
The one every one goes to meet.
Don’t know, what is happening in their office, but I think there has been a change in structuring,
So she does not make money again as before
It’s not like we all really know how good the place is,
Because the woman has always been complaining,
For as long as I can remember, she has never made money in that place
Yet, she sees something to renovate in her house all the time.
She is the kind of person who only wants good things for herself and family only
And the rest of you come beg her
This gives her the opportunity to insult and wash one down.
The woman done lie so te, every one don tire.
There is never money, and now that she is actually telling the truth,
no one belives.
The situations has gone so bad or
rather the woman wants those of us staying with her to know that things have changed.
No more everyday cooking.
The worst was on Tuesday, when we had to eat Okro soup,
No meat, no menden-mende.
Okro soup in my aunts was always a delicacy.
Eating meat with it self is Ojukokoro as there is already enough in it.
The Okro was tasteless and you had to really look for the tiny fish inside.
I hope and pray that it does not pass this level oh.
Wetin we go dey chop then.
Maybe she is even using style to tell those of us wey get house to dey find our level.
Anyways time will tell.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
He did not just hang up on me,
He was mumbling some things I could not hear.
Network has been really crazy lately
But this one no be network problem,
except i want to deceive myself!!!
This is the same guy who called me two days ago,
accusing me of dumping him after i slept with him.
Okay rewind back to life,
just when i wanted to believe, he not like the rest of the pack.
We were actually playing this who calls first game or so i thought,
I actually don't know the reason why i decided to call him today.
He took me to that place and left me hanging.
He gave me that thing i have always longed for.
I no blame am, na my fault.
Will give you the gist of he and me later
Anyways no regrets because I enjoyed every bit of our acquittance....
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
He patiently waited for me to come around.
But that I never did.
I do not want to hurt him,
Scared of letting myself go.
Of growing so vulnerable with a man,
Of needing a man, desperately needing a man,
I am so fearful that it will take me outside of myself and
Make me a total stranger, make me irrational.
Make me lose that sense of control.
So I ran the other way.
Loving him meant I was going to become another person,
Entirely different, a woman I was afraid of.
What would be left of me, if I lost myself in a man?
Miserable and lonely as it could get sometimes,
This life is mine and mine alone.
I do not want to be another kind woman
Never want to be.
I am just fine with who I am.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Kikky wake up,I felt my cousin hands.
This was 20 minutes to 12 and I have been sleeping since 8
I was seriously tired and wasn't ready for any talk.
Micheal Jackson is dead, She said.
You must be joking; quickly I jumped out of bed.
Am going to put on the gen, she said.
Na so every-body for our house pack put in front of television oh.
CNN say them never confirm,
Sky News say he don die.
BBC talk him own, say he don die and the news was gotten from TMZ.com
TMZ talk say na one of the cardiologist, talk am.
Even before his death was confirmed, there were already wreaths hanging on his gate…
Na wa for this people oh.
We tanda for the front of the television till the fuel finish inside the generator.
Woke up this morning and the first thing I did on was to visit BBC from my phone browser confirm
Whether the guy don die true-true.
This is one guy we all grew up loving,
His dance steps, we all wanted to learn,
Some got and perfected the steps of this Legend.
P-square sabi the guy steps well- well.
I remember the songs such as ‘Heal the world”, “Earth Song”, “Gone too Soon”
MJ was a great entertainer.
The world all over idolized him,
His fellow artist envied, admired and respected him.
MJ was a fulfilled man professionally,
Even if his personal life was not one of fulfillment.
13 grammy awards, and countless other awards.
His 1982 album "Thriller" — which included the blockbuster hits
"Beat It," "Billie Jean" and "Thriller" — is the best-selling album of all time,
with an estimated 50 million copies sold worldwide.
This is one man who has achieved what others only dream of achieving.
He has 4 decades of achievement and lime-light
Radio and Tv stations have been playing his music none stop all day.
Millions of Fans have been crying all day and making various posts all day.
I don tire for all the comment for FB.
Of all of this, one gets to realize that this is one man, every one all over respected even if he made some personal mistakes.
Listening to his song, “Childhood”, I realize this is one man we all have judge.
Me inclusive and he says before you judge me, try to love,
Have you seen my childhood?
No one ever stopped to realize,
No one really took the time to appreciate the man who had
a child-like innocence about him and a heart of gold
We never stopped to cherish the person he was more
We all were there to listen to the stories the media fed us and judged
Without ever listening to his side of the story.
We all judged him like we all have not made our own mistakes
Or crazy decisions, which we have hidden from the world
This is a man gave his all to his music and tried to make the world better.
He was denied his childhood, thanks to his father.
Even at that, he made an indelible mark on the planet Earth.
He was a pace setter.
His death is cam as a rude shock to all,
Even though we all never thought he would make it that far
Just maybe his life wouldn't have been so lonely or so short,
If the media had not destroyed him and we all never turned our backs on him.
RIP to the “King of POP”, Michael Joseph Jackson
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
This poem reflects my state of mind...so enjoy
Today's the day.
The day I'm going to unlock the door and bury the past.
The day I'm going to let go.
I just turn away, looking up to meet the icy glare of the smug moon.
The geese attack my skin, but not with the same gentle pecks as before; they're angry now.
You look confused as you watch my sweat cool under the soft light of the stars.
The Earth stands motionless as we lie on Eden's bed, wrapped in my shell
that cracked when I pulled you to your knees.
The tiger marked my back, its lips greeted my sweet Paradise with a kiss;
its firm touch met with symphony and song from an arch-backed deceiver
with dancing fingers.
The tingles dissolve.
I feel sick. I don't let people this close to my soul.
How did you climb over the wall that surrounds this private property? Regrets.
I sometimes wander why I carry all this guilt ...
it was him who laid the foundations for all these walls I've built.
Time healed my black eye, but my heart will remain forever bruised.
People wander why I have a padlock bolted around my heart ...
my actions are the echoes of a broken child.
Today's not the day.
I can't let go.
But one day I'll find the key that fits the lock.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Fathers all over are receiving gifts or messages from their children.
Fathers are being appreciated every seconds of today.
None of these is my father going to get from.
I actually did not know it was today till i signed into facebook.
Reading friends post to thank and appreciate their fathers.
I have nothing to thank mine for.
Do i thank him for rejecting me?
Or do i thank him for refusing to see or acknowledge me for 19 years of my life?
Or still making me his well kept dark secret?
Or do I simply thank him giving me life? yet not wanting to ever be part of it................
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
When did she turn to this
What has she become
Maybe she has always been like this
and i never noticed.
The fact is that i was always consumed in myself
and I never noticed
She has her friends and I have mine
But her frends are my friends and mine hers.
We are bonded by blood
She is my cousin
actually a first cousin.
We are sesame twins of different mothers
We grew up together ad went to school together
Asides for the six years of secondary school.
She has become spiteful, vengeful and always wants to be right.
"Don't ever open my wardrope again behind my back"
"When did it turn to this"
"I have sha told you"
I have over stepped my boundary and using her perfume got me this statement.
All this wahala because I refused to prepare her noodles with mine.
Omo make I give myself brain oh.
Ever since we graduated, I have noticed a change in her.
while in school, we never got in fight for too long
especially when exams is around the corner.
During exams no fight, even when I provoke her enough to result in a fight.
My aunt always remember that I exist and would send money to me in school
All beacuse , I have to teach her in exams.
She is sickle cell anaemic,
so we all have to treat her with care.
She would tell you she can't carry anything heavy,
do any strenous work.
When she has her crisis, every member of the family
is expected to pay a visit to the hospital.
if possible you have to sleep over, just to show you care
or you get the wrath.
Her crisis is made a big deal.
I remember when I failed to visit during one of her numerous illness.
She called, immediety she got out of the hospital,
I don't think she had stepped out of the hospital premises,
saying, she would never come visit of i ever fell ill and prays that I fall ill,
see curse, she dey craze.
I was so mad and she was so lucky
I was on my way to the mosque. It was on a friday
I would have curse her back.
Had to let it go, because i was avoiding family wahala.
All these and countless other she does
She hardly turns her madness on me,
as am hardly ever around her and never have her time.
She is actually worse with the others.
Their house -help ran away recently and
the girl's major complain was about the way my cousin treats her.
The poor girl says she calls her a thief, witch and other horrible names.
Her wahala is also too much
The poor thing could not handle this and had to bolt
I don't even know what to do with her
and she is unavoidable.
I just hope we do not tear each-other's throat one day;
because she is really pushing it and
don't know how long i can stand that
Thursday, May 28, 2009
It's one whole year today.
Omo I must to pop champagne.
I can't believe I did.
I have been celibate for 365 days and still counting.
The longest i ever got was 180days.
I must to kill chicken.
It seriously has not been easy.
I guess i was able to pull it off since,
I was no lover of sex in the first instance.
To achieve this i had to stay off any form of
intimate relationship with any guy.
I even i had to cut visit with male friends,
who i know have more than the ordinary boy-girl feelings
Do I miss sex?
There are those days when I long for the kiss or
just some form of caress from a guy...
There are days the temptation was so great,
especially if its a guy I really like.
I would just kiss sha
and it usually took the whole forces in heaven and earth to break free
but thats just it.
I guess i totally turned off my ignition key
I know it's only a matter of days,
I guess then I would have a reason to enjoy it
and want it with the person who I have it with.
till then, i keep my fingers crossed
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Was persuading my mum to sign some stuff for me,
when we heard the noise.
E fi mi sile (leave me alone)
Mo ma gun pa ni eni (I will stab today)
The fight is between in-laws
One is the wife's brother and
the other is the husband's brother,
The couples are not around,
so the neighbours were there to save the day.
if not, these two idiots would be dead by now.
One is a butcher and the other a carpenter,
so both brought out their work instrument to fight.
After much struggle, the fight was finally stopped.
when asked the reason for the fight,
the carpenter was mumbling,
after some minutes, the butcher broke the ice.
He accused the carpenter of playing with his thing at night.
According to him, the carpenter sneaks up to his room at night
while he is asleep, brings out his thing and start touching it.
abomination, this is washing their dirty linen in public.
This is getting to much for the guy to handle,
so he decided to fight when his elder one refused to act on it.
The carpenter is over 30 and still not married,
we hardly see any girl with him, so it is not difficult to believe.
No one could made any comment,
As where do you start from.
Do we blame and condemn the carpenter, or
the butcher who decided to take the law into his hands.
This is a family issue and
just had to beg the butcher to take things easy and talk to his brother.
Monday, April 27, 2009
8764 days ago, i was expelled from my mothers womb.
My preganancy had been a controversial as
my birth father refused to accept resonsibility of me.
He was not denying the fact that i was his,
he just did not not need or want me in his life.
His wife was also pregnant at that time.
That is gist for another day.
I am just happy to be a year older.
With the best message from my bank,
prayers from my besto,
and messages from the least expected,
my day couldn't have been more wonderful.
I spent the day at home with my family,
doing nothing, just savouring the fact that am now 24.
I just thank Almighty God for making come this far,
and not ever disappointing.
For making a head and one who is looked up to and
I look forward to having a wonderful year and
achieving alot even beyond expectations.
So help me God.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I am seriously begging.
For I have snuffed life out one of your chicks.
Forgive mother hen,
for I deprived you of one of your joys
eventhough, she would end up in the pot of soup one day
This I did, unintentionally, absent-mindedly and accidentally.
I did not even know that I stepped on her,
not until i heard the cry........................................
Abeg, make una help me beg am.
because she appears in my dream.
I have not had a nice sleep since that day.
I am seriously sad because it felt
like I had cut shourt the life of an human being.
Abeg one again forgive,
so that I can return to my sleep
and may her soul rest in perfect peace
Thursday, April 9, 2009
from everything especially religion and I wonder why?
I find myself asking rhetoric questions.
I just do not feel any form of connection with God anymore
when praying; prayer has become a routine for me.
There is no anxiety or excitement.
I don’t usually feel that aura, his presence like I should.
I feel like or rather I know that am not reaching out to
God like am supposed to.
There are days when I don't even feel like praying
and this is an essential part of Islam.
I don’t think I really know him enough to
truly and whole-heartedly worship him.
Maybe this is the reason for the lack of connection I feel.
I really did not have a strong background in religion
Never really went to Arabic school and my family members
are not particularly, the religious type.
I would call them Chrislams and am one of the few devotional
Muslims in the family, the only female one.
I’m not the conventional Muslim or the expected type.
Asides from observing the daily compulsory prayers
and fasting in the month of Ramadan, I do nothing else.
The only congregational prayer I attend is the Ju’mat service.
You would not find me at an asalatu, event though
I was the pioneer in my family.
I just do not feel I place in such gatherings.
They have become more of an association than religious gatherings.
Words cannot express how I really feel
I basically feel like I have lost my bearings
I just hope ALLAH does not give up on me,
because right now I feel lost and I hope to find him
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Because there are just some actions of mine which
I find questionable.
This actions of mine is making me
wonder if I would ever get married.
The longest relationship, and that is if I can call it that,
I ever had is for about 6 months.
I sometimes wonder if any one is going to ever love me
or if I am actually capable of ever loving any one.
Even my friends have given up on me.
The point is, the passion or infatuation I
feel for these guys burns out quickly.
All of a sudden, I feel nothing.
The feelings just vanish and I feel empty
The whole kissing, cuddling and callings soon tire me,
most especially the sex.
I have not meet that guy who would make want to have sex,
They are just all about having sex anyways,
never making you want it.
I guess that is the missing link.......................
I have been sex and boyfriend free for 9 months now.
I don't miss either, but I miss the kisses and cuddlings.
Serious relationships are just not my thing,
the moment the guy starts getting to close
and asking questions, i tune him out.
Maybe because I have always been used to doing
thing my own way, I always find it difficult taking
commands or opinions from people before getting them done,
not even from my mother.
That idea of two become one does not really work for me.
The environment I grew up is not helping matters also,
I grew up with my mum doing all those things, parents do, for me,
receiving no support from my father or her husband.
Also my aunties live like that.
So I grew up with this view of a woman taking care of herself and family.
I don't think I have ever envision my self as a married woman,
not to talk of imagining what my wedding day would be like.
I always seen my self as a single mother like mum,
Get pregnant for some guy I fancy, since I just my not love him
And save myself the head aches of marriage, that how mother go through.
Some say its bad of me to think that way, but
I think that is the best I can ever get.
I don't see myself getting married, because it is expected of me.
I want to do it because it is what I want to do and
not vice versa.
May be some day the fire wil not burn out
and I woud be able to love and get married
only time will tell.......................................................................
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
has brought me to the conclusion that a guy and a girl
Are never friends.
I’m just this kind of person who rolls more with
the guys as am not a girly girl.
I know I have gotten into trouble with some of the guys
I havw called friends.
Having narrowly escaped a near-rape from a guy whom I looked
up to, besides he and his brother were friends to my then boyfriend.
This brought me to that stark reality of the girl and guy relationship.
His excuse was that my then boyfriend and I did not act like couples.
ask me which one be him own?
And I was some rude chick, who had to be punished.
found out that a guy is only friends with a girl when:
She is his serious girl’s friend, or his guy’s serious chick.
Even that does not stop him from trying his luck.
Asides a girl's brother, there are 3 kinds of male-female retionship in her life
1) The true friend who has got her back and wants nothing
from her but her friendship. He is usually considered gay.
2) The guy who settles for friendship after chasing her and
when realises there is nothing coming out of his troubles,
begins to see her as a sister.
3)This guy is hiding under the friendship umbrella.
He wants her so badly and is just waiting for the right moment and
the moment she does the mistake of hanging out at his place
would have her lips for dinner.
I have a couple of the third guy in my life right now
I have been trying to avoid most of my male friends for some time now,
because I know they want more than the friendship I crave for in mind.
They are not contented with the no feeling, only platonic relationship
They are interested in getting a shot, so lately I have not been returning calls,
SMS and mails.
One of my male friends called some days back
“Kikky, na wa oh, so you can not even flash or send a message,
you have completely forgotten me”
I am tired of excuses of no money to buy credit,
not that they believe me anyways.
Some have even told me point blank that they would not call me again,
if I do not call them back.
I got this particular one who is totally pissed with me.
But I figured what’s the point in calling back
when I am not ready to give them they want.
And they are not ready to be just friends.
They would rather have nothing to do with you at all,
than be just friends.
It’s a tough call but we have got to lose some to win some.
I have always found it difficult making this choice,
because there are some really great guys out there.
But I guess as my friend says, the guy is a dick and the girl a pussy,
Nothing else is expected of them.